About Me

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Sterling Heights, MI, United States
"I give a damn what any fan thinks of my legacy. I'm tryna live life in the sight of God's memory, like that y'all." ~Mos Def

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

I'm Evolving. Moving Out The Dark.

The new year is off to a great start. Already I have found myself in these new moments of self-discovery, honesty, knowledge of self. I not only like the woman I'm becoming, I love her a lot.

What I've found is that when you walk in the calling that you were purposed for, you begin to manifest truth in every area of your life.

In that manifestation, I've been freaking out a little bit at how heavy my shoulders have been under the weight of excess baggage that I've allowed to be there. 2008 was absolutely magnificent - but, I imagine I was still just "functional" in some areas. 2009 is going to take the functional off my life and turn it into "renewed", "revitalized", "human", "woman", "real".

One of the things that I have been struggling the most with is my sense of self worth. It was one of those nasty, not so flattering discoveries too.

Self-esteem? Got that on lock.

I believe that I am a beautiful woman with a whole lot to offer this planet- but sometimes, something in me thinks that I not only DON'T deserve good things but that I absolutely SHOULDN'T expect them to happen. So when the good things actually do happen, I am overly grateful, overly excited, overly happy because I think I'm so "lucky" that something good happened. Wonderful things happen all the time (no matter what state of mind I'm in). I wish I could see myself the way the Creator made me. Just one glimpse of why...well why he keeps on blessing me. I don't get it. I'm not a horrible person...but there are some things...broken inside of me. Pieces of me that I gave away maybe when I was abused. Maybe some things that broke in March when James walked into my life and tore me all the way down to nothing. All of these shreds...always rebirthing...always rebuilding...always resilient. Maybe my sense of self worth got buried under there somewhere.

I actually walk around with the thought that most of these cats out here are better than me - on so many different levels. Real talk.

In that, my insecurities surface irrationally and unexpectedly. I can be so confident in one moment and then in the next, I completely doubt myself. I often feel as if I've disrespected the strength of the Creator in my life and his ability to really work things out for me (as he always has), and so many other things.

I had a long heart to heart with my sister Scheherazade last night regarding the above thoughts and she helped me to work through the bulk of them by just forcing me to examine myself and the incredulity of believing that I was some unworthy house nigga - forced into submitting to a mentality that said I was nothing. That I was subhuman.

I accept (eagerly) the responsibility for how I've invited this behavior into my life.

Yes, being in the quiet to see the truth was healing. It was important to my process. It called me into action. I am moving on and it's okay. It is the right thing to do. It is healthy.

There are some things and people and behaviors that (for the good of them and me) I need to/must/will without question eliminate from my mental air space.

I call out now to the ancestors and our Creator with an invitation to shine their light into my life.

Help me to remember that I am the sum total of the decisions that I make. Help me to make good choices. Help me to be honest when those choices aren't good. Help me to be responsible in either case. Help me not to point fingers, but to see myself in any given situation and exhaust my power with changing what I can change.

Give me the strength today, to move...on.

I'm evolving
Moving out the dark
Brave and Securely
I release my heart

I am
Weathering the storms
Spread these giftings
Finally I soar

Embracing the beauty of me
I'm loving every part of me...

I've got no more time for self doubting
Too much destiny in my plans
Accomplishing these goals I've been given
Greatness is already at hand.

Loving how I grow as a woman
Trusting who I'm purposed to be
Spiritually creative expression
All encompass me
An affirmation to me...

Honest, Peaceful
Strong and Powerful
Good words reflecting
Why my spirit glows

There is nothing
That's withheld from me
I conceive it, believe it
Accept victory

Embracing the beauty of me
I'm loving every part of me...

Speaking life to my situations
And taking care of body and soul
Mind is running in perfect order
Nothing's going out of control

Resourceful and persistent I'm racing
Supported by my loved ones and friends
Confident that I'm gonna make it
I'll endure till the end...

Embracing the beauty of me
I'm loving every part of me...

I'm evolving
I'm evolving...
I'm evolving...

Moving out the dark