About Me

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Sterling Heights, MI, United States
"I give a damn what any fan thinks of my legacy. I'm tryna live life in the sight of God's memory, like that y'all." ~Mos Def

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Uhm, Yeah.

So, (dramatic pause)

it's been a while since I've jotted some thoughts down. I took a look at my girl Laura's blog (who is currently going through a pregnancy) and just couldn't resist talking about how blessed I've been thus far. My life with Anthony is nothing short of amazing. All of my friends love him (even Ty - and Ty hates all of my ex's), my family enjoys him and I feel safe and nurtured for the first time in years.

The thing about safety, though, is that it can open up the can of worms called "all the shit you never dealt with because you haven't felt safe in while". My can of worms is filled with unkind words that had me an emotional wreck and on all sorts of roller coasters.

I took a look in my journal and thought about my ex-man, James. James, an ex-con, ex-gang member, verbal abuser was still transitioning when we finally got a chance to really test out our love. His rage and anger about everything that went on with him for ten years transformed him into someone that I not only didn't recognize, but it changed him into a man that thought it appropriate to project his ill feelings of himself onto me. His raged destroyed not only my relationship with him, but also with my girl Rashida (who I'd been friends with since I was 14)and with myself.

I found that I needed to completely rebuild - which was no small feat. I thought myself too toxic, too fat, too hurt, too washed up, too emotional, too fucked up to receive any goodness at all in my life. It was extremely hard to see myself through a lens that wasn't filled with the hatred I saw in James' eyes when he looked at me. I'd become angry and despondent. Fearful and embittered. I became all the things I'd always fought off being before this fool even came into the picture. When goodness came in the form of a renewal of self and then in Robert Anthony Kotaran, I wasn't sure if I was truly ready to receive it.

Honestly, even now, I still pinch myself and wonder how I've ever come to know the happiness that I'm experiencing. There is safety and beauty in the friends that surround me. Among them, Ty, Chrissy, Aricka, Lizzie, and Cassie. There is this "newness" or this "awareness" if you will, that I DO deserve the things that are happening to me. There is also this necessity that I feel to share my real stories more often. We need to know that we're not alone and we need to stop faking the funk like shit is alright all the time when sometimes, that couldn't be further from the truth.

Every day, yawl, Every day, I consciously choose not to sabotage my happiness. Every day, I am grateful that the Creator grants me new breath to experience this happiness. I gave so much time and energy to ignorant mutha-fuckas without even second guessing it. I don't want to second guess real happiness.

Not today.

That's all.

Ya Gurl,
~phoenix

1 comment:

safire blew said...

it's so funny that you talk about safety and the monster of history that rears its ugly head in that space.

i didn't realize that what i was doing in the safe space of my relationship with j was letting the monster of my painful histories with other lovers and experiences from my past run rampant.

that shit finally caught up with me. i kept running on fear, anger, resentment, insecurity--feeding the monster. the monster devoured not only the love but like you said my ability to be loving and feel lovable. i am just now realizing how much damage i allowed it to do. and trying to wrestle from its teeth all the things it destroyed.

i can look back now with this newfound understanding and see how many other relationships i let this monster devour. this gives me the determination to slay it, once and for all.

the dalai lama says that we cannot say whether a lover is "right" or not because he or she is simply a mirror of our soul. when you were with james, you were still angry. you were still hurting. you meshed his pain with yours and the monster grew. you left him, and you cut off the monsters food supply. so it finally died.

i am so happy for you and everything that you have discovered and manifested in your life. you deserve it. truly.

i