So, (dramatic pause)
it's been a while since I've jotted some thoughts down. I took a look at my girl Laura's blog (who is currently going through a pregnancy) and just couldn't resist talking about how blessed I've been thus far. My life with Anthony is nothing short of amazing. All of my friends love him (even Ty - and Ty hates all of my ex's), my family enjoys him and I feel safe and nurtured for the first time in years.
The thing about safety, though, is that it can open up the can of worms called "all the shit you never dealt with because you haven't felt safe in while". My can of worms is filled with unkind words that had me an emotional wreck and on all sorts of roller coasters.
I took a look in my journal and thought about my ex-man, James. James, an ex-con, ex-gang member, verbal abuser was still transitioning when we finally got a chance to really test out our love. His rage and anger about everything that went on with him for ten years transformed him into someone that I not only didn't recognize, but it changed him into a man that thought it appropriate to project his ill feelings of himself onto me. His raged destroyed not only my relationship with him, but also with my girl Rashida (who I'd been friends with since I was 14)and with myself.
I found that I needed to completely rebuild - which was no small feat. I thought myself too toxic, too fat, too hurt, too washed up, too emotional, too fucked up to receive any goodness at all in my life. It was extremely hard to see myself through a lens that wasn't filled with the hatred I saw in James' eyes when he looked at me. I'd become angry and despondent. Fearful and embittered. I became all the things I'd always fought off being before this fool even came into the picture. When goodness came in the form of a renewal of self and then in Robert Anthony Kotaran, I wasn't sure if I was truly ready to receive it.
Honestly, even now, I still pinch myself and wonder how I've ever come to know the happiness that I'm experiencing. There is safety and beauty in the friends that surround me. Among them, Ty, Chrissy, Aricka, Lizzie, and Cassie. There is this "newness" or this "awareness" if you will, that I DO deserve the things that are happening to me. There is also this necessity that I feel to share my real stories more often. We need to know that we're not alone and we need to stop faking the funk like shit is alright all the time when sometimes, that couldn't be further from the truth.
Every day, yawl, Every day, I consciously choose not to sabotage my happiness. Every day, I am grateful that the Creator grants me new breath to experience this happiness. I gave so much time and energy to ignorant mutha-fuckas without even second guessing it. I don't want to second guess real happiness.
Not today.
That's all.
Ya Gurl,
~phoenix
About Me
- La Shaun phoenix Moore
- Sterling Heights, MI, United States
- "I give a damn what any fan thinks of my legacy. I'm tryna live life in the sight of God's memory, like that y'all." ~Mos Def
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Gonna Get Back Into The Swing of Things.
I hide from this blog for a minute. I thought my thoughts to open-ended to put out there. I feel like sharing my thoughts again and blogging again and singing again and writing again.
I'll write this week on my first twenty days of 33 years. Should be interesting on what I've learned thus far.
Warmest,
~phoenix
I'll write this week on my first twenty days of 33 years. Should be interesting on what I've learned thus far.
Warmest,
~phoenix
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Pumpkin Pie
Orange heart splattered on the floor
pained from cinnamon dreams
nutmeg promises
sugar kisses
believes her autumn beauty is crushed in her fall.
Chef knowingly inhales her scent
adds the life-sustaining milk words she’s been missing
scoops her up
gently spreads her on a golden foundation
heats her 360 degrees with passion
cools her with integrity and good intention
shows her the beauty in the breakdown.
©2009 La Shaun phoenix Moore
pained from cinnamon dreams
nutmeg promises
sugar kisses
believes her autumn beauty is crushed in her fall.
Chef knowingly inhales her scent
adds the life-sustaining milk words she’s been missing
scoops her up
gently spreads her on a golden foundation
heats her 360 degrees with passion
cools her with integrity and good intention
shows her the beauty in the breakdown.
©2009 La Shaun phoenix Moore
NaPoWriMo #21 - Corned Beef (A Draft/A Memory)
NaPoWriMo #21 Corned Beef (A Draft/A Memory)
I have adorned myself in loathing contempt
gift wrapped in self hatred and disgust
for miles of moments.
The most vivid of those memories
was age 20 at a church concert:
Jesus was nailed to the cross and uncompassionate
while Earth’s own angelic gospel chorale
flew charts, notes, song arrangements and insults around each other
before taking center stage to amaze all the little sinners of the world.
House lights prepared to dim and audience members
shuffled rudely past seasoned parishioners
as the choir prepared a humble prayer back stage.
At the prayer’s conclusion,
“Amens” are tossed around like raw chicken in batter
and well wishing commences.
The choir director,
a fly young Pentecostal playboy,
smiles openly at his perfectly poised paradise performers
praising them for hair, makeup, and wardrobe well coordinated
and then beams light sabers in my direction
“Even La Shaun looks good.”
Rowdy laughter foxtrots around the prayer circle.
I slowly bowed my head
ashamed
to utter another prayer to the God
that would let His “chosen”
offer me,
the fatted calf,
as the sacrifice of praise before worship service.
I’ve salted the wounds of that memory,
of backhand compliments like
pretty for a
thick girl/a chocolate girl/a smart girl/a doesn’t always follow the rules girl/a land on her feet girl/a girl I’m fucking/a girl I’m fucking over/a not my wife girl/a not my girl girl
as a preservation technique.
My beefy flesh pickled in a seasoned brine,
cured
from ever accepting the freshness
of the raw beauty trapped within.
©2009 La Shaun phoenix Moore
I have adorned myself in loathing contempt
gift wrapped in self hatred and disgust
for miles of moments.
The most vivid of those memories
was age 20 at a church concert:
Jesus was nailed to the cross and uncompassionate
while Earth’s own angelic gospel chorale
flew charts, notes, song arrangements and insults around each other
before taking center stage to amaze all the little sinners of the world.
House lights prepared to dim and audience members
shuffled rudely past seasoned parishioners
as the choir prepared a humble prayer back stage.
At the prayer’s conclusion,
“Amens” are tossed around like raw chicken in batter
and well wishing commences.
The choir director,
a fly young Pentecostal playboy,
smiles openly at his perfectly poised paradise performers
praising them for hair, makeup, and wardrobe well coordinated
and then beams light sabers in my direction
“Even La Shaun looks good.”
Rowdy laughter foxtrots around the prayer circle.
I slowly bowed my head
ashamed
to utter another prayer to the God
that would let His “chosen”
offer me,
the fatted calf,
as the sacrifice of praise before worship service.
I’ve salted the wounds of that memory,
of backhand compliments like
pretty for a
thick girl/a chocolate girl/a smart girl/a doesn’t always follow the rules girl/a land on her feet girl/a girl I’m fucking/a girl I’m fucking over/a not my wife girl/a not my girl girl
as a preservation technique.
My beefy flesh pickled in a seasoned brine,
cured
from ever accepting the freshness
of the raw beauty trapped within.
©2009 La Shaun phoenix Moore
Friday, April 3, 2009
Poems 2 and 3/30 NaPoWriMo
NaPoWriMo#2 Lunch Time (remixed)
Lunch Time (remixed)
I sit three tables across from her,
glance at her face nonchalantly
and bite into a bland tuna melt.
Lunch time.
Same routine, different day.
My co-workers and I file monotonously to the cafeteria.
pretending that we honestly enjoy eating lunch together;
pretending that it is a team builder
through which we can all learn “fun” personal facts about each other.
Pretending that I am not the only black girl in our group.
I pretend that I actually want tuna melts instead of southern fried chicken.
I deny that what I really want is a little freedom from my daily lunch companions.
I stare at the dark sista across from me.
Her eyes meet mine hesitantly.
We send silent smoke signals to each other, mentally writing fogged breath messages on glasses of Diet Coke.
They read: “Save me from Corporate Ameri-KKK.”
I force a smile in her direction.
We both understand that the phone bill, gas bill, and rent payments are the true masters
rendering our pleas for help are useless.
I look away from the sista angrily, as if she somehow caused my unease,
Stare almost lovingly into the ocean colored eyes of my supervisor.
There is no way off of this plantation.
The sista/stranger and I breathe out a synchronized sigh and stare attentively at our respective lunch buddies
wishing for a wealthy, Southern-fried chicken freedom from the daily grind.
©2009 Draft 3 La Shaun phoenix Moore
NaPoWriMo #3 Haiku Suite: Untitled
There are not enough syllables
to sum up the way you make me feel.
17 short breathes
are stolen every time your mouth
starts kissing mine.
17 heartbeats
skip rock across my rivers
at your heated touch.
17 bad memories
are healed instantly
in your balm of love.
These haiku are not at all expansive enough
to summarize you.
Keep shining love in me, Baby.
Burn the pain.
Make me sunlight in bloom.
© 2009 La Shaun phoenix Moore
Lunch Time (remixed)
I sit three tables across from her,
glance at her face nonchalantly
and bite into a bland tuna melt.
Lunch time.
Same routine, different day.
My co-workers and I file monotonously to the cafeteria.
pretending that we honestly enjoy eating lunch together;
pretending that it is a team builder
through which we can all learn “fun” personal facts about each other.
Pretending that I am not the only black girl in our group.
I pretend that I actually want tuna melts instead of southern fried chicken.
I deny that what I really want is a little freedom from my daily lunch companions.
I stare at the dark sista across from me.
Her eyes meet mine hesitantly.
We send silent smoke signals to each other, mentally writing fogged breath messages on glasses of Diet Coke.
They read: “Save me from Corporate Ameri-KKK.”
I force a smile in her direction.
We both understand that the phone bill, gas bill, and rent payments are the true masters
rendering our pleas for help are useless.
I look away from the sista angrily, as if she somehow caused my unease,
Stare almost lovingly into the ocean colored eyes of my supervisor.
There is no way off of this plantation.
The sista/stranger and I breathe out a synchronized sigh and stare attentively at our respective lunch buddies
wishing for a wealthy, Southern-fried chicken freedom from the daily grind.
©2009 Draft 3 La Shaun phoenix Moore
NaPoWriMo #3 Haiku Suite: Untitled
There are not enough syllables
to sum up the way you make me feel.
17 short breathes
are stolen every time your mouth
starts kissing mine.
17 heartbeats
skip rock across my rivers
at your heated touch.
17 bad memories
are healed instantly
in your balm of love.
These haiku are not at all expansive enough
to summarize you.
Keep shining love in me, Baby.
Burn the pain.
Make me sunlight in bloom.
© 2009 La Shaun phoenix Moore
Thursday, April 2, 2009
NaPoWriMo #1 Haiku
30 Poems in 30 Days for National Poetry/Writing Month (April)
A day late, but perhaps I'll get the second haiku out in time.
Interracial - for Anthony.
My skin
against
your skin
against
their thoughts
against
all odds
making love.
©2009 La Shaun phoenix Moore
A day late, but perhaps I'll get the second haiku out in time.
Interracial - for Anthony.
My skin
against
your skin
against
their thoughts
against
all odds
making love.
©2009 La Shaun phoenix Moore
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I'm Evolving. Moving Out The Dark.
The new year is off to a great start. Already I have found myself in these new moments of self-discovery, honesty, knowledge of self. I not only like the woman I'm becoming, I love her a lot.
What I've found is that when you walk in the calling that you were purposed for, you begin to manifest truth in every area of your life.
In that manifestation, I've been freaking out a little bit at how heavy my shoulders have been under the weight of excess baggage that I've allowed to be there. 2008 was absolutely magnificent - but, I imagine I was still just "functional" in some areas. 2009 is going to take the functional off my life and turn it into "renewed", "revitalized", "human", "woman", "real".
One of the things that I have been struggling the most with is my sense of self worth. It was one of those nasty, not so flattering discoveries too.
Self-esteem? Got that on lock.
I believe that I am a beautiful woman with a whole lot to offer this planet- but sometimes, something in me thinks that I not only DON'T deserve good things but that I absolutely SHOULDN'T expect them to happen. So when the good things actually do happen, I am overly grateful, overly excited, overly happy because I think I'm so "lucky" that something good happened. Wonderful things happen all the time (no matter what state of mind I'm in). I wish I could see myself the way the Creator made me. Just one glimpse of why...well why he keeps on blessing me. I don't get it. I'm not a horrible person...but there are some things...broken inside of me. Pieces of me that I gave away maybe when I was abused. Maybe some things that broke in March when James walked into my life and tore me all the way down to nothing. All of these shreds...always rebirthing...always rebuilding...always resilient. Maybe my sense of self worth got buried under there somewhere.
I actually walk around with the thought that most of these cats out here are better than me - on so many different levels. Real talk.
In that, my insecurities surface irrationally and unexpectedly. I can be so confident in one moment and then in the next, I completely doubt myself. I often feel as if I've disrespected the strength of the Creator in my life and his ability to really work things out for me (as he always has), and so many other things.
I had a long heart to heart with my sister Scheherazade last night regarding the above thoughts and she helped me to work through the bulk of them by just forcing me to examine myself and the incredulity of believing that I was some unworthy house nigga - forced into submitting to a mentality that said I was nothing. That I was subhuman.
I accept (eagerly) the responsibility for how I've invited this behavior into my life.
Yes, being in the quiet to see the truth was healing. It was important to my process. It called me into action. I am moving on and it's okay. It is the right thing to do. It is healthy.
There are some things and people and behaviors that (for the good of them and me) I need to/must/will without question eliminate from my mental air space.
I call out now to the ancestors and our Creator with an invitation to shine their light into my life.
Help me to remember that I am the sum total of the decisions that I make. Help me to make good choices. Help me to be honest when those choices aren't good. Help me to be responsible in either case. Help me not to point fingers, but to see myself in any given situation and exhaust my power with changing what I can change.
Give me the strength today, to move...on.
I'm evolving
Moving out the dark
Brave and Securely
I release my heart
Fearless
I am
Weathering the storms
Spread these giftings
Finally I soar
Embracing the beauty of me
I'm loving every part of me...
I've got no more time for self doubting
Too much destiny in my plans
Accomplishing these goals I've been given
Greatness is already at hand.
Loving how I grow as a woman
Trusting who I'm purposed to be
Spiritually creative expression
All encompass me
An affirmation to me...
Honest, Peaceful
Strong and Powerful
Good words reflecting
Why my spirit glows
There is nothing
That's withheld from me
I conceive it, believe it
Accept victory
Embracing the beauty of me
I'm loving every part of me...
Speaking life to my situations
And taking care of body and soul
Mind is running in perfect order
Nothing's going out of control
Resourceful and persistent I'm racing
Supported by my loved ones and friends
Confident that I'm gonna make it
I'll endure till the end...
Embracing the beauty of me
I'm loving every part of me...
I'm evolving
I'm evolving...
I'm evolving...
Moving out the dark
Namaste,
~phoenix
What I've found is that when you walk in the calling that you were purposed for, you begin to manifest truth in every area of your life.
In that manifestation, I've been freaking out a little bit at how heavy my shoulders have been under the weight of excess baggage that I've allowed to be there. 2008 was absolutely magnificent - but, I imagine I was still just "functional" in some areas. 2009 is going to take the functional off my life and turn it into "renewed", "revitalized", "human", "woman", "real".
One of the things that I have been struggling the most with is my sense of self worth. It was one of those nasty, not so flattering discoveries too.
Self-esteem? Got that on lock.
I believe that I am a beautiful woman with a whole lot to offer this planet- but sometimes, something in me thinks that I not only DON'T deserve good things but that I absolutely SHOULDN'T expect them to happen. So when the good things actually do happen, I am overly grateful, overly excited, overly happy because I think I'm so "lucky" that something good happened. Wonderful things happen all the time (no matter what state of mind I'm in). I wish I could see myself the way the Creator made me. Just one glimpse of why...well why he keeps on blessing me. I don't get it. I'm not a horrible person...but there are some things...broken inside of me. Pieces of me that I gave away maybe when I was abused. Maybe some things that broke in March when James walked into my life and tore me all the way down to nothing. All of these shreds...always rebirthing...always rebuilding...always resilient. Maybe my sense of self worth got buried under there somewhere.
I actually walk around with the thought that most of these cats out here are better than me - on so many different levels. Real talk.
In that, my insecurities surface irrationally and unexpectedly. I can be so confident in one moment and then in the next, I completely doubt myself. I often feel as if I've disrespected the strength of the Creator in my life and his ability to really work things out for me (as he always has), and so many other things.
I had a long heart to heart with my sister Scheherazade last night regarding the above thoughts and she helped me to work through the bulk of them by just forcing me to examine myself and the incredulity of believing that I was some unworthy house nigga - forced into submitting to a mentality that said I was nothing. That I was subhuman.
I accept (eagerly) the responsibility for how I've invited this behavior into my life.
Yes, being in the quiet to see the truth was healing. It was important to my process. It called me into action. I am moving on and it's okay. It is the right thing to do. It is healthy.
There are some things and people and behaviors that (for the good of them and me) I need to/must/will without question eliminate from my mental air space.
I call out now to the ancestors and our Creator with an invitation to shine their light into my life.
Help me to remember that I am the sum total of the decisions that I make. Help me to make good choices. Help me to be honest when those choices aren't good. Help me to be responsible in either case. Help me not to point fingers, but to see myself in any given situation and exhaust my power with changing what I can change.
Give me the strength today, to move...on.
I'm evolving
Moving out the dark
Brave and Securely
I release my heart
Fearless
I am
Weathering the storms
Spread these giftings
Finally I soar
Embracing the beauty of me
I'm loving every part of me...
I've got no more time for self doubting
Too much destiny in my plans
Accomplishing these goals I've been given
Greatness is already at hand.
Loving how I grow as a woman
Trusting who I'm purposed to be
Spiritually creative expression
All encompass me
An affirmation to me...
Honest, Peaceful
Strong and Powerful
Good words reflecting
Why my spirit glows
There is nothing
That's withheld from me
I conceive it, believe it
Accept victory
Embracing the beauty of me
I'm loving every part of me...
Speaking life to my situations
And taking care of body and soul
Mind is running in perfect order
Nothing's going out of control
Resourceful and persistent I'm racing
Supported by my loved ones and friends
Confident that I'm gonna make it
I'll endure till the end...
Embracing the beauty of me
I'm loving every part of me...
I'm evolving
I'm evolving...
I'm evolving...
Moving out the dark
Namaste,
~phoenix
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)